When I was very young – possibly even younger than that - my father would sit me on my mother’s lap; switch on the family ‘Quad’ (a 22-202 valve (tube) combo that outclasses most of today’s Hi Fi); and place upon the turntable Michael Flanders and Donald Swann’s farrago ‘At the drop of a hat’ – a record produced by a guy called ‘George Martin’.
As the turntable gained momentum and my dad cautiously swung the tone-arm over the record until the stylus hung precariously over the grove ‘run-in’, and he slowly lowered the stylus into the groove of the rotating record - which requires a steady hand and quite a lot of nerve - he would be heard to mutter ‘That Martin fella will go a long way – he knows how to make ‘proper’ recordings’.
And how right my dad was – George Martin went on to produce ‘The Beatles’ and create the world’s first ‘concept album’ (‘Sergeant Peppers lonely hearts club band’ – available from ÍøÆغÚÁÏ) and never returned to his earlier triumphs.
Having heard George Martin’s classical recordings, it prompted ‘Telarc’ recording engineers to throw out the ‘stereo pair’ microphone method that the audiophile critics bleated on about (what do they know?) and ‘bought in’ to George Martin’s groundbreaking ‘a microphone for every instrument’ ‘close microphone’ ‘mix-down’ technique.
Telarc went on to produce some of the finest sonic recordings ever heard – Telarc’s amazing recordings of Saint-Saens Symphony number 3 - featuring Michael Murray on the mighty organ of Saint Francis-de-Sales church in Philadelphia; Leon Slatkin’s fabulous interpretations of ‘Carmen’ and ‘Peer Gynt’; and the ‘The Jacques Lousier Trio’ playing Satie; Debussy; and Vivaldi’s ‘Four seasons’ being testament to this (available from ÍøÆغÚÁÏ).
Now ‘close-mic mix-down’ is the standard practice all over the world - from Andre Rieu’s amazing Maastricht concerts transmitted live from the Virjthof every July to cinemas all over the world to bring joy, laughter, tears, and ‘feel-good’ factor to people all over the world - to stunning sonic capture of the very best artists the world has to offer from the world of rock; pop; opera; and ballet.
We would all join in the merriment and sing all of the songs with vim and gusto and recite Michael Flanders carefully crafted monologues – Los Olividados being a particular favourite – all timed word-for-word to comedic perfection to raise raucous laughter at the very same places on both the LPs AND the CDs - while our next door neighbour politely banged on the wall whilst yelling at us to be quiet because they had the ‘radio’ on - and although they could hear the ventriloquists; the bird impersonators; the hypnotists; the psychics; the tap dancing; and the people playing classical and contemporary music on spoons; saws; hosepipes; bottles; glasses; and kitchenware – ‘In a monastery garden’; ‘Bells across the meadow’; and ‘Avalon’ being particular favourites - our neighbours bitterly complained that they had to have the radio on full-blast because they couldn’t hear the sword swallowers; fire-eaters; jugglers; trampoline artists; tumblers; trapeze artists; balancing acts; close-up magicians; contortionists; strong men; knife-throwers; bubble-blowers; puppeteers; shadowgraph artists; mime artists; quick-change artists; ‘soft-shoe’ shufflers; marionettes; stilt walkers; human canon balls; balloon sculptors; rope twirlers; tight-rope walkers; performing dogs; performing parrots; performing fleas; and plate spinners on Hughie Green’s ‘Opportunity knocks’ RADIO programme – and then they would promptly pop round and ask to join in the merriment.
My dad - who never did care much for ‘plate spinning’ – on or off the radio - put it down to the fact that our neighbours only had an AM radio and if they wished to hear the mime artists or listen to the plates spin then they should invest in a radio equipped with ‘frequency modulation’ (lovely turn of phrase that – especially when enunciated with nice deep rounded tones).
Oh what fun we all had as mum took her stance on jurisprudence – a word that here refers to the interrelationship of truth, justice and law - and argued with dad that Ann Stephens rendition of ‘The teddy bears picnic’ was a far superior artistic performance than Henry Hall’s interpretation – even if the Henry Hall fidelity WAS better - which always prompted dad to play both versions – bringing wide happy smiles beaming across our faces as we sang and clapped along – and then he would reduce mum and me to tears by playing Anne Stephens singing ‘Christopher Robin is saying his prayers’ (A A Milne’s ‘Vespers’) usually followed by ‘Sparky and his magic piano’ to lift the mood, concluding with Steve Conway singing ‘Good luck – good health – good fortune’ (accompanied by the Hastings Girls choir), ‘At the end of the day’, or ‘Bless this house’ before I was packed off to bed with a waddle and a quack and a flurry of eiderdown after listening to ‘Paul Temple’ and being worried sick about the danger that Paul Temple’s wife Stevie was in - with the neighbours using their cutlery (flatware) to bang out popular tunes of the day on the taps, pipes, sink, and cooker for background.
Well now YOU can sing-a-long with gusto dear reader for Swann and Flanders fabulous songs are all on this glorious CD compilation – complete with the scathing monologues.
Yes here you will find gems such as ‘The sloth’; ‘Song of reproduction’ (cocking a snoot at Hi FI enthusiasts who care more about the sonic fidelity than the artistic content); ‘Songs for our time’; ‘Misalliance’ (the opening of which - if you are a ‘certain age’ dear reader - will remind you of Faure’s ‘Dolly’ from Barecause – the theme tune to ‘Listen with mother’); and the glorious ‘The gasman cometh’ and ‘The hippopotamus song’ (probably best played and sung in the car rather than loudly sung in the bath or on the toilet, or on the bus, or in a call-centre).
But there is more – for here you will also find the ‘little-known’ gem ‘On the slow train’ – a song full of pathos - with a persistent ‘steam train’ rhythm - that draws attention to the diabolical sin that the then transport minister Doctor Beeching committed when he authorised the wanton destruction of the British railway network - an amazing transport network that enabled freight and people to travel EVERYWHERE in the British Isles by train - by having his team of statisticians ‘fiddle the reality’ by turning up to monitor ‘train usage’ AFTER the morning ‘rush-hour’ - which also cleverly excluded all of the early morning freight activity to deliver fresh British food such as Devon clotted cream and Scottish kippers direct from the sources straight into our local shops nationwide – then going home BEFORE the evening ‘rush-hour’ (presumably to avoid it) so as to keep the ‘stats’ favourable.
All of this was cleverly done so that Beeching’s money-grasping relations could land lucrative government contracts to put in pointless; slow; inefficient; and highly dangerous motorways that injure and maim more people; and claim more lives annually than the entire history of the railway; and cost more to maintain than the railways they replaced – as the trains safely flash by at 120 MPH (two miles a minute) past goods vehicles doing fifty - and cars stuck for hours in traffic queues – consuming a tenth of the fuel per tonnage to do so because of the ‘power-to-weight’ ratio of the engines, and the fact that electric trains do not have need to carry tons of fuel everywhere – unlike goods vehicles, cars, and fuel tankers – fuel tankers that travel thousands of miles daily to replenish the fuel pumps so that the fuel can be transferred back out again into ‘on-board’ fuel tanks. The mind boggles!
Once you get hold of your copy of this fabulous compilation you will be compelled to sing along to ‘On the slow train’ as you wait in queues of traffic – so here are the words:
PRELUDE
Miller's Dale for Tideswell ...
Kirby Muxloe ...
Mow Cop and Scholar Green ...
THE SONG
No more will I go to Blandford Forum and Mortehoe
On the slow train from Midsomer Norton and Mumby Road.
No churns, no porter, no cat on a seat
At Chorlton-cum-Hardy or Chester-le-Street.
We won't be meeting again
On the Slow Train.
I'll travel no more from Littleton Badsey to Openshaw.
At Long Stanton I'll stand well clear of the doors no more.
No whitewashed pebbles, no Up and no Down
From Formby Four Crosses to Dunstable Town.
I won't be going again
On the Slow Train.
On the Main Line and the Goods Siding
The grass grows high
At Dog Dyke, Tumby Woodside
And Trouble House Halt.
The Sleepers sleep at Audlem and Ambergate.
No passenger waits on Chittening platform or Cheslyn Hay.
No one departs, no one arrives
From Selby to Goole, from St Erth to St Ives.
They've all passed out of our lives
On the Slow Train, on the Slow Train.
Cockermouth for Buttermere ... on the Slow Train,
Armley Moor Arram ...
Pye Hill and Somercotes ... on the Slow Train,
Windmill End.
Now dry your eyes!
Happy listening
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in this set of productsAt The Drop Of A HatAudio CD£2.50 deliveryGet it 23 Jan – 10 FebUsually dispatched within 3 to 4 daysBest Selling | Highest rated
in this set of productsThe Songs of Michael Flanders and Donald SwannMichael FlandersPaperbackFREE Delivery by ÍøÆغÚÁÏGet it as soon as Wednesday, Jan 15- Glorious Mud! - Flanders & Swann ClassicsAudio CD£2.50 deliveryGet it 22 Jan – 8 FebUsually dispatched within 2 to 3 days
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Top reviews from United Kingdom
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- Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 19 January 2016
The definitive collection of ‘must-own’ witty whimsies to lift the spirits and gladden the heart
- Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 28 October 2011
- Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 25 February 2013
- Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 31 December 2020
- Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 18 November 2023
Top reviews from other countries
- ÍøÆغÚÁÏ CustomerReviewed in Canada on 26 January 2019
Excellent quality and takes me back to my youth
- ÍøÆغÚÁÏ CustomerReviewed in the United States on 3 May 2016
A Prophet's Haberdashery
- Arthur J. MunsonReviewed in the United States on 26 February 2013
After all, It's Flanders & Swann
